Wow, it has been waaaaaayyyyy too long since I last wrote. I got caught up in the stress, exhaustion, and endlessness of teaching that I neglected to share my thoughts.
Since September when I last wrote, I think that I have cried about 5 or so times out of frustration. I have been so overwhelmed with the lack of effort from people - and unfortunately that is out of my control. For some reason, unbeknown to me, not everyone works as hard as I do. For some reason, also unbeknown to me, not everyone in education is in it for the kids. Lord knows, they're not in it for the money, which leaves me wondering, "Why are you here?"
I find myself being discouraged all too often lately. At the end of the day, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I am definitely tired of being yelled at by students, I am tired of a lack of consequences, I am tired of not getting homework back, I am tired of students who think its cool to make fun of others, I am tired of trying to clear the hallways when it's not my job, I am tired of staff who do nothing but provoke students, I am tired of students getting out of consequences because, well, they didn't mean to do it, they just have a bad home life, I am tired of people not being in it for the kids.
I am not a parent, but I'll tell anyone that I have 86 kids who I love and care about; 86 kids who drive me up a wall daily; 86 kids who show they care in their own special way; 86 kids who America is failing; 86 kids who I work my ass of for day in and day out. They know I care...I cry out of utter frustration for them sometimes, instead of because of them.
Last year, there wasn't a single day that I was so overwhelmed from the day before that I didn't want to show up. That happened this week...I was so MAD and so FRUSTRATED that I just didn't want to go back. I got up in the morning and couldn't help but think about the day before. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and hope it was a bad dream...but it wasn't...it was a daymare! Then a friend told me, "There are only two things you can think about: your faith in God and your mission to help those kids no matter what." That's the only thing that got me through. I can count on no one but God to get me through days like these.
All I know today is that it is Friday. I used to make every day Friday with lots of wine...but these days I am learning to cope in healthier, more productive ways. It is Friday...so the day is good.
Blessings.
Emily
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take care of you inner Pond, Em. always start there - when that's balanced, every ripple you send out will be balanced too.
ReplyDeleteyou have one of the most difficult - if not THE most difficult - job on the planet. don't let the apathy of others effect the way you do it.
remember that you might not see the impact you're having; it might not show up for years. but it's possible for one good teacher to change the direction of a child's life, and if you are able to do that for just one kid over the course of your teaching career, then you've done a good job.
i love you, and i'm really proud of you.
;-)
Be strong Em. It take a tenacious person to get up and do what you do every day, and I'm proud of you! Remember you make the difference and choose to be better because its the right thing to do. Don't give up on being great because it gets tough. Persevere through the difficulties and your treasure will be devine!
ReplyDeleteHere for your support always,
Nige
Oh My! You never felt that way last year? I sure did. This year has been an improvement though... but still a tough and trying time. Just know you're always in good company!
ReplyDeleteWhy on Earth would someone teach if they don't care about the kids?!?! I can't figure that out either!! Insanity!!
-Jessie
My Dear Emily,
ReplyDeleteDitto the comments of the wise Hermit above - she always says things so profoundly - and so on the money.
You are a gift to everyone whom you come in contact with. You will make a difference in these kids' lives - they need you. Albeit they need more caring, mentoring people in their lives than they have - but they need you. Be the ONE that keeps plugging along for them.
I started Wendy's book on the plane on my way to Ohio. She's an amazing woman - she gives some good insight into the entire nightmare that these kids are born into. She also gives some great examples of a number of different corp members' experiences in the classroom. Some great ideas that these corp members used to get their kids on the path to success. You may have heard some of these stories before - but - I'm going to pick up a copy of the book for you. It can be like a bible for you : ) When you're feeling defeated - pick it up and read a few pages - you'll be reminded why you're doing what you're doing and what a great job you do when you're doing it!!
I love you Turtle - you're my hero! You're also the hero of many of those kids - they just don't know it yet!!
xoxoxoxoooxxooxoxoxxo
MOM